Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I cut my penus on the lid.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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