history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
