Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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