My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
