this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm passing your future prison.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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