my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
