do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
