i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
