I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
