I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
