I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
