I looked at my own cervix.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
