While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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