So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
