I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
