so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
