And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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