i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
