I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
