seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
