You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
