forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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