He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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