WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
