So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
