Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
