Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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