I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
