you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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