Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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