I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
