Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
