Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
