just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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