If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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