The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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