i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
