Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
is that a dick in a sweater?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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