well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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