Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
