The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
