Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
