I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
