Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
