She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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