Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
