I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
