Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
