it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
