remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
