You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
